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A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Not recommended for beginners.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.