(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
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I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem