Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
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Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
*bites zombie*
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.