Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
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Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Spell check is for lasers.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*