My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
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Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Livid.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
first you must answer his riddles
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human