adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
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Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.