skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
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The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
😎 🍻
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving