“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
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Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I have written yet another poem about laundry
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total