You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
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Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?