Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

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If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.


That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.


I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.


My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.


Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.


Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.


I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.


me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary