Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
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According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
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I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
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