Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
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I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.