@reallifemommy3

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

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@2tickytacky

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

@Cool_Jesse

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

@krisv_723

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

@stewiecoffee

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

@BlindChow

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

@baronvonbike

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

@ch000ch

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary