All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
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“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread