“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
You Might Also Like
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Worst perfume name ever.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes