Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
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i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.