wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
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Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga