Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

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I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.


Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.


If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”


The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way


Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers


Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.


If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.


1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.


You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna


Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless