Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
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Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Terribly Tuesday.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.