“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
You Might Also Like
January has been Januweary
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
This was the best day of my life
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
so, is there a mister shapen head
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone