can I use a minion as a tampon
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Every BBC series about the universe.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
i- i did not expect this
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH