God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
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[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
That’s classic.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!