[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
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STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Every time.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in