Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
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*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.