What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
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Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
you gotta be faster
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the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
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How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona: