What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
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[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
True
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.