the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
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Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now