Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
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How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Cop: Um, no, 72.
Cop: I already told y-
Cop: Get out.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*