The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
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Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.