Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
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i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
im 7 sauces long
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…