The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
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When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I hate everything
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”