I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
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I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t