Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
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interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early