(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
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Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make