Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
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Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?