I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
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I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
got so much cardio in today
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Who’s ready for Friday?!
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”