My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
You Might Also Like
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
cry laughing at this shit
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?