Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
You Might Also Like
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before