I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
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Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Very good news from my accountant
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories