Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
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Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.