my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
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I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House