* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
You Might Also Like
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway