Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
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In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.