9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
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God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.