My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
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Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Thrilling chase underway
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
#winning
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
#inspiration #foodforthought
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.