The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
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My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.