A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
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I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
an octopus is just a wet spider
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*