A collection of me turning into random objects.
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Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes