Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
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*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
😂🤣😂🤣
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Pizza is an emotion right?
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.