ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
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It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Me trying to look natural in photos
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*