My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
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It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Worth the read.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.