The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
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Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
For those that worship cheese..
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Good Morning.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.