I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
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ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Heroic Misunderstanding
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.