I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us