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Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Bruh PLEASE
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.