Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
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If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Air conditioning – not a fan
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!